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Off to my new journal. Yet again. I do this way too often, I really do. I think I'll keep doing it until I'm happy with myself. Well, something like that. Anyway, add me on my new journal if you find me interesting. I'm gonna add some people who I demand follow me wherever I go.

So, have a good life. Unless, of course, you add me as scallop, then I hope your life sucks. ::liar::

自分で幸せになる時までこうにすると思う それはちょっと


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Getting on out of this username tonight, moving to scallop, which I need to make warm and friendly before I start using it. Which, again, is tonight. That is all. I have things to do.
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I stayed with Goon at the hospital, and got my Zoloft upped to 150mg at my psychiatrist appointment. I really think I need it.

I'm here with Goon again today, at her house. She got to come home. I'm going to clean her house today for a solid amount of 30$. That shouldn't be much to me, but it is. It's enough for a GBA game. Or I could save up a *tiny* bit and get Tales of Phantasia for the GBA. I really want that. It being one of the best games ever and all. Yesasia has it for 50$. WANT. So, I shall work for it. There's a job I want to apply for soon, too, hm...

I came up with a writing idea. I'm not going to explain it, because I've already had to do that and it's tiring.

That's all I've got. I need to burn some CDs then get to cleaning. ToP.. ToP.. ToP.. ToP...

mood: productive productive
music: Shiina Ringo - Marunouchi Sadistic

5 people cleaned up * drop your food
Listening to the music from the game makes me think of a time a few years ago when I was ignorantly happy... Where I slept on a recliner in the basement and stayed on the internet consistantly. Where I did and said so many things I regretted then, but don't now because they made me a better person. Then I couldn't get past a part on the game, and that part of my life vanished. Now it's utterly rediculous to say both happened concurrently, but they were close.

I think now, about the choices I have made; I have gone down the wrong path more than once. This being said, I believe that if I put my entire heart into anything I do, if I absolutely push, I will become what I wish to. As I am now, though. A waste of skin, of time, of air, I am nothing and will continue to be nothing. I have to work to overcome this. I have to train myself to become what I am possible of. I could do so many things; I could, I know it. I just have to... push. I havne't pushed since 4th grade. I remember that first C I got, it broke my heart... and after that I just... degraded.

Looking through the SAT book Chris gave me, I am overwhelmed and frightened of this test. I could pass the "verbal" part with flying colors, yeah, I could. But I feel I'll flunk the math test. Horribly. I'm horrendous at math. You want to know how horrendous at math I am? Well, I just learned last year how to multiple double digits if that gives you any idea. I was never told, and all those years in school I just wasted I never paid any mind to it. Now I'm regretting it. I really am. I need a tutor. Or something, I need something. I cannot pass that test based purely on the verbal part. I'm scared, I really am.

Right now, I should be working on this damn business final. But I'm typing this. I'm really whipping myself into shape, huh? I just want to crawl up in a ball and die, but I have so much I have to do. I need to look up things on driving, I need to get a job, I need to buy a car, I need to do these damn tests, and I need to go to college.

Oh how I must go to college. Unless I somehow magically get scholorships from my ass, I'll be stuck going to a community college for the first two years of my schooling, then moving on up to Mary Washington.

I worry too much, I really do.

mood: scared scared
music: Xenogears OST - Shattering Egg of Dreams

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Quick notice: My upcoming username is "scallop". that makes me happy, because I use Scallop on so many things. ^^ Anyway, reminder, journal movement on the 15th, feel free to follow if you want.

I got this book the other day called Breaking into Japanese Literature it has seven Japanese stories in Japanese and English with the Japanese words on the bottom dictionary-style. It's very interesting. Reading it, I get an appreciation for Japanese works, as I've never read any before. Even if you're not particularly studying Japanese, the stories are still interesting.

Besides that, I have been doing nothing. That and Disgaea. Goddamn that game.

Ugh... Kris isn't on (not the one I actually know, a different one I've known for a few years online.)

I feel empty in that lately I haven't been able to write anything heartfelt or long. Journal-wise or otherwise. I want to, though, I really do. I think I'm going to join some... contests or something for creative writing just for the hell of it. I'm in a slump. An all-around literary slump. All-around thinking slump. Whatever.

I am a lump in a slump. And I feel like a bump so should I clump? Or maybe to hump and pump another lump comes to mind in this slump of mine. Forever to clump as a bump. Or something to that extent. Bwah.

mood: sleepy sleepy
music: BoA - Midnight Parade

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Yesterday was an overall good day for me despite two bad things going on concurrently; Ian is a wreck and Goon is in the hospital. Besides that, my life is full of "okay".

Kris came over yesterday ar about 1 and stayed until 2:30, we played Mario Kart pretty much the whole time, and Amber kicked his ass. I fell on the couch once while yhe was here, though, and got a scrape on my elbow. Minor, yes, but MIGHTILY PAINFUL. Chris came over last night and stayed until 3:30am. Our war tally is 7-3, I am losing. I got a very nifty book from Borders and he let me borrow his big ass SAT study book. The mathematics section is incredibly overwhelming.

I had a lot more to say, but I have the sudden urge to play Bustin' Out, so off I go.

music: Rocky Horror Picture Show ST - Rose Tint My World

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I didn't comment on any of your entries despite the want to, I guess I'm just lazy or at a loss for words. Which is why, sirs, I will be packing up and moving to a new LJ again on the... 15th, I believe. I don't care if you want me to re-add you again or not, just comment and tell me. Of course, there are a few people who simply *have* to go along with the move, but we'll not get into that now.

I've been doing nothing. I've been wasting my time, my talents, my breath on nothing. I feel I have a fair amount of talent in quite a few things but I never utilize it. I'm a waste like that. I'm going to be applying for atleast one job this evening, at BJ's and maybe Hollywood video. I need a job before mom starts deciding to make me apply for fast food places. I have dignity, damnit. So I search.

"got meat?"

While I was laying down trying to fall back asleep today, I've decided that maybe I could go through life as a lonely virgin. XD Well, try to... I have the mega-sexual drive, though, so probably not. I wish I could, though. I just want to skip that whole emotion and physical thing. But, if I did that, my words would be empty. Gotta always push for something, I suppose. It'd be much easier for me in the long-haul to just keep that state of mind, though. "I NEED NOT YOUR GENITALS!"

I know I haven't posted anything on this before, so here: My mom knows that I don't care which gender someone is. She doesn't care. My sister doesn't care. I consider myself lucky in this because a lot of people I have known or heard of have had not-so-good experiences with their parents on this subject matter.

I need a job. I need friends. I need to lose weight (working on it!).

Or maybe all I need is food, water, and shelter.

mood: apathetic apathetic

3 people cleaned up * drop your food
Because of... something. Let's not go into that. Hours of forum browsing and various conversations help, let's put it thay way. I had a tremendous time typing a huge rant on Nintendo. Not a negative rant. Not a positive rant. Just a rant. That lashed out at everyone who called Nintendo kiddy. And everone who based it upon other miniscule things. Oh, I lashed. More than once, any replies I made to the respones are also quite long. Especially one who got mad at me for saying "Fuck you." Pfft, whatever. That was the highlight of last night for me. It's here, by the way. Only read if you have the time to. Or you play games. Because including my shit and the stuff other people posted, it's long.

Today, I'm supposed to be cleaning and working. But Amber is home and I can't really concentrate as such. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room. But I'm on here typing for the moment rather than that. Ho-hum. I want to play Mario but I kept dying, so... Yeah, and I still need to clean.

I've felt very strange lately. I've made a few new friends, so that might be why. May... be...

music: Nine Inch Nails - I Do Not Want This

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I feel like hell. I just want to curl up and cry, and it's for no reason at all. Loneliness, maybe... Sadness, maybe... Obviously. Nothing feels worth it. Atleast I was a little bit chipper earlier while posting, but the boards are being very glitchy right now. I feel so sad.

Starting tomorrow I have to pick up the pieces of myself and start being responsible again. I have to start seriously looking for a job, I have to do a lot of school work a day, and I need to clean more. I still feel sad, a crushing sad. Ugh. I think I'll start to write again on tomorrow. I need to sign up for the SATs and ACTs, also. I also need to start studying for them, but I don't really know how... I do however, know I'm screwed on them. So so screwed. My future? Yeah, that's fucking screwed. I'm just being pessemistic. But still. Fucked.

Fucked fucked fucked.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I did. Oh God, I wish I did.
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Got Super Mario Bros. Advance 4 (AKA Super Mario Bros. 3, one of the best games over.) The original of the game was my first game ever, I got it, along with my NES, in either '89 or '90, I forgot. I am happy. Amber sucks horribly at it.

I was thinking about it last night, that something. And I realized that I barely ever tell my friends *anything*. I keep to myself and I don't spout about the things that have happened to me or will. Very often, anyway. I don't generally tell people what's wrong with me or anything, mostly because I'm sure no one wants to hear about it. The only things I really complain on are my journals. The only things I really talk on are my journals. Unless I'm talkative, I've been sort of talkative lately. Like my rant on why money is useless and humans are horrid creatures for needing money in order to classify themselves. My philosphy is "Because we suck," now.

On the subject of that guy, Loki. I've decided that age really wasn't an issue, due to a perspective Ian gave me. So, thank you to you, sir. I asked Loki where he worked (Which is generally a question to which you give your actual job as an answer.) and he said Washington D.C. So I'm positive he works for the government.

Again, my brain is spastic. I really have a lot of things to write about, but none of them are coming out. Maybe I'll just go play Mario Kart or Mario Bros. with Amber. Mwargh.

By the way, it's too fucking hot for January.

music: Dir en grey - Umbrella

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See topic.
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Chris probably can't come over tonight, the downer kicks me in the nonexistant balls, ohhh! However, this gives me more time to sit online. Live I've been wanting to. To run around on Gaia and post on people's subjects who I don't know. To make this lame entry. And to talk to someone I met on Gaia last night who is teh awesome. Talk to my friends who I miss and have been blowing off.

I haven't been doing anything lately. And I haven't been commenting, which I need to turn the notch up on soon. Or buy a different journal come payment time for this one. That seems a common option for me. "I've fallen behind on comments, I must run!" Pity me, please.

My brain is incredibly spastic at the moment, I can't conentrate.

On New Years, Kris and I went out. Which I think I mentioned before, yes. Had to be the most pointless and boring New Years ever for me.

Urgh. I'll start a new entry later, I'm phasing in and out. And I'm swooning.

mood: bouncy bouncy
music: Queen - We Are the Champions

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Kris and I did nothing special today, and we failed to find the local sex shop. So no random naughty items for me. YET. We did however go to Funland and play DDR Extreme and completely remind me as to why I do not like the new games. Anger level RISING. Or not.

Ah, yes, happy New Years. 新年おめだとう

I'm incredibly sleepy. And it's so early. Feh.

Soon I must get a job, buckle down on my studies, learn to drive, and all that new-fangled responsibility crap. Frankly, I'm more interested in meeting new people. Which I intend to do sometime soon.

... ::looks around:: Yes, something definetly smells strange in here tonight.

that's all I have to say, like I said, I'm tired.

mood: sleepy sleepy

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I was at the hospital all day yesterday, Amber feels like shit. It's New YEar'sEve. Twilight Zone Marathon. Kris will be here between 4 and 5 to go somewhere. He has to be home before 12, which is bullshit. Because he's 18. Ugh.

Came home last night from my boring ass day, and on the table was a package from welovefine.com containing, dun dun, Hell Babies! :D Sammi's present for me was Hell Babies! Various art book by Junko Mizuno, who is my second favorite artist. She's so awesome~! ^^ Thank you so much, Sammi! I wub it! The cover is all squishy like a baby book, but inside is... nudity and gore abound, woo hoo! Symbolism bursts from the incredibly strange art. :D Obviously, I am happy about my book. I ma going to end up taking it everywhere with my in my Nintendo bag. ::hugs her book::

Yergh. shower.

mood: happy happy
music: Shiina Ringo - Warning

1 person cleaned up * drop your food
Mostly because I've been eating everything possible since Saturday when mom left. So I'm thinking maybe I should cut down on the eating for a few days and even out my weight back to it's solid weight number that I'm not mentioning. I like being overweight, but not extremely, though I know I'm not extremely right now, I'll get that way, so I need to stop eating so much and exercise again.

I like fat more than I like skinny, that is certain. I'd much rather be immensely fat than stupid. I'd rather have my arms cut off than be stupid. Arms cut off and obese, there we go. Maybe my legs too. Fucking hell, my pants feel tight... NEED TO DIET AGAIN.

Actually, my usual weight is about 215. My ideal weight would be 150 - 160, due to having a "I'm gonna kick your ass" frame. I generally don't over eat. I eat well, and I exercise. However, at times I will spastically compulsively eat, and I have hypothyroid, making life hard for this monkey. I think I'm ugly, but that's because of facial features, not my weight. I like people with meat on them. A tiny bit less than me is something I like. Blah.

And now, I need to go. "Got meat?"

mood: fat
music: Thought Industry - Tragic Juliet

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However, in my anti-socialness, I wish I were more social. Ah well, such is life. And my mental well-being.

In all seriousness, I've been incredibly anti-social lately in all forms. Phone, internet, with my family, all that. I can't really explain why. Maybe if I point my finger at depression I'll stop thinking about it, or maybe it will get worse. I'm feeling like fucking hell. On top of that, I have the utterly useless urge to contact people I used to talk to. Online, anyway. I miss a lot of the people I used to talk to. I also miss being a forum-goer. Ugh. I must still be depressed. I need to DO THINGS.

Maybe all I do need is love. Goddamn Beatles.

Goddamnit. I'm depressed, ugly, and anti-social. Someone, for cheese sakes, poke my eyes out. I feel I'd be happier then maybe.

I'm feeling way to dramatic here. Back up, rewind, retrack, re-verse.

Recollect. And... go.

Amber is getting her tonsils taken out tomorrow, so off we go to Richmond until Wednesday sometime.

ARGH. I feel like a melodramatic fuckwad [in a mental way]. ARGH. Fuck you, art eraser.

mood: listless listless
music: DDR - Bakkwo

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Mom is home, and I rejoice. Mightily. I have spent 95% of the past two days playing Mario Kart with my sister. I think I like it better than the original, but there's still something about the original that was irreplaceable. The original gives me a headache after extended gameplay, though, and doesn't really have any extras. I've played the 64 game, but that was when I didn't really care much for Nintendo and just thought it was "there". Anyone I knew who had a 64 had it, though. XD That and Smash Bros. I'm actually thinking about getting an N64, there are some games I want for it. to list a few: Smash Bros. Mario Kart 64, Paper Mario, Yoshi's Story, the Mario Party games, random FPS games, random other things. I love having various consoles. The people at GameStop probably think I'm crazy by now. I go in, very quickly browse the SNES section, then the Genesis sect., then DC, GC, PS, and PS2. In that order. Then I check the NES games just to see. I'm a manic gamer.

I need friends. Like, actual ones. So I need to start being social again. I have a serious need to have people to play these damn games with. I NEED WORTHY MARIO KART COMPETITION. Maybe I'll get the broadband adapter and do that thing at Warppipe. On that same note, I wonder if you can still download the special Chao colors on the "blackmarket" on the Dreamcast versions... My Saturn, I cna't think of anything I'd want to do online with. By the way, Puyo Puyo Tsuu = amusing. I've played the SNES version; the Saturn version is basically just the same thing with slightly better graphics and full-voiced. Poorly voiced. But very very amusing. And the booklet is cute and colorful.

I want my Faye Wong CD/YCD and my present from Sammi to get here tomorrow. Bitches.

Goddamn Mario Kart. I still need to play Harvest Moon on the GBA player... I played Pokemon on it, my only complainted would be that the colors are too bright. The only GBA game I've seen with an option to change the color brightness level was Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. Then again, I don't play but so many GBA games.

I still feel happy seeing Xenogears sitting on my shelf.

I'm so happy mom is home.

Did I mention she got a bunny for Christmas? I'm sure I didn't. But here, I did. Damn bunny. My guinea pig could kick it's ass. Yargh.

mood: dorky dorky
music: Queen - Killer Queen

4 people cleaned up * drop your food
I have a VARIOUS, SEMI-MIGHTY PLETHORA of new friends. So hello to you guys. Nice to have you added and such.

I'm watching Amber until tomorrow night. Just me, her, and Dennis tonight. Mom went to Atlantic City. I am deeply displeased. However! Yesterday, I was not due to shopping.

I bought: A Japanese Reader (that's the title), a bag with a NES controller picture on it, a Meatwad shirt that says "got meat?", a grey shirt with Bullet Billy (I think that's the name, it's from the MArio games) that says "enemy" under it, Under the Glass Moon #2, pants, Mario Kart: Double Dash!!, the GBA player for GC, and the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. I didn't get what I planned on, but I am pleased.

I forgot to mention that I got my hair re-cut, and now it's uber short. However, due to strage layering on my mother's part, I must gel my hair. quite a bit. It's kind of cute like that, I think, I'm not sure...

I have more to say, and I have things to comment/reply to, however, I am being forced to be responsible. So I'm going to go take a shower. Or something. Ugh.

mood: busy busy

4 people cleaned up * drop your food
I have a lot of things to comment on, but I'm not doing that at the moment because I have things to do after I do this list here.

ListCollapse )

mood: complacent complacent
music: Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls

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I really should start taking my lactose pills before I eat very cheesy things. Ugh. Atleast I won't feel guilty about eating some dessert, though.

Overall, my presents were a diappointment. I got no current-console games except for Viewtiful Joe, which I shall take back and trade for Mario Kart: Double Dash!!, which I want in a mighty manner. I also have money and the likes, so a stop to GameStop is in order. Maybe I'll get Mario & Luigi too, I really like that game...

that's all I have to say. I'm out of it. And bouncing.

music: Captain Jack - The Race

2 people cleaned up * drop your food